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Back Testing Times
Dumfries and Galloway Standard
I succumbed, just recently, to the latest piece of nonsense to be handed down to us from our lords and masters that reside in the big hoose in Brussels. I went and sat a test, to gain a certificate of competence to allow me to continue to transport my animals on journeys that are longer than 65km and less than 8 hours in duration. Despite the fact that I have been moving my stock hither and yon, quite successfully, for these last thirty years, I still had to comply. The EU directive, which came into force on the 5th of January 2008, has been one of the best-kept secrets of recent times. While we were all transfixed by the circus at Pirbright, this little bureaucratic beauty from Brussels has slipped-in under the radar and has caught us all with our tail-doors down. Now the penny has dropped we will be easy prey for the Trading Standards boys. They will be waiting to pick us off by using big attractive decoys, like auction marts and summer shows, to tempt us in for spot checks. This realisation has sparked-off a mad scramble to get our hands on the bit of paper needed to stay the right side of the regulations. But take heart everyone. The relevant authorities have hinted that, because of the FMD and Bluetongue disruptions this autumn, they will not brandish their shiny new club with any great vigour before the end of April. Well, I’m pleased to announce that, I have bathed myself in glory by passing the test. The multiple-choice test, which was presented to me on a laptop computer in the austere surroundings of the yards-men’s bothy at the back of Newton Stewart mart, was dispatched with relative ease. Modesty forbids me from saying what my score was but suffice to say I managed to surpass the 21 correct answers required out of 27. This now means that I will be registered with the relevant authority and in the fullness of time I will be issued with an ID card. This card must be carried with me from now on whenever I’m transporting livestock. It can then be whipped out and flashed as proof to anyone, who would care to inquire, that I have indeed been certified. It will also be a tangible symbol that, amongst other things, I know it is not a requirement to disinfect the dashboard of my vehicle at the end of a journey and I know that, the best way to load sheep onto a trailer is not to stand between the sheep and the trailer waving my arms up and down. It seems that, according to recent figures from one of the testing bodies, 98 % of candidates who have taken the test so far have passed. This, I believe, is irrefutable evidence that 2% of all those who have undertaken the ordeal thus far have been overcome with panic when they were confronted with a purring laptop connected to a mouse. I would also venture to guess that most of the men and women that make up this group will, more likely than not, be the ones who will perform best when confronted with a psychotic Limousin bullock that wants to eat someone on a loading bank. I now eagerly await the post to deliver my certificate which I will display, prominently alongside my dipping and cycling proficiency certificates, on top of the cistern in our outside toilet. Be warned, the document I have been referring to is not the same as a Transporter Authorisation Certificate. These are available from the State Veterinary Service at no cost but must be held in conjunction with your certificate of competence as of 5th Jan 2008. So finally, for one extra mark, what do you call a test where 98% of the candidates pass first time? Is it: (a) A sham (b) A way of collecting more money from farmers (c) Insulting, or is it (d) All of the above. Press your button now! Neale McQuistin Galloway News farming supplement February 2008 |